A Newlywed’s View on Marriage

If I could tell my younger self that I would be happily married at 32, I’m sure my younger self would roundhouse kick me like this:

1DCEA0EF-23C1-4989-9CA2-F486C3CF6F4E.gif

I would never believe it. Not only that, but being married to someone younger than me? Who would have thought? So where do I start? How’s married life, Marisa? What are the pros and cons? What’s the tea? Well, what’s your tea about marriage? Let’s start off by me saying that my husband is an angel on earth. He is unlike any man I’ve ever encountered and is the most kindhearted person I’ve ever met. I say that a lot, but its true. 😎

LRM_EXPORT_260784811366322_20181021_232038008
The sum of our marriage 😄

So…

Marriage is a lifelong journey, that’s not for the faint or weak hearted. Although I’ve embarked on 6 months, I’ve learned the true meaning of patience and grace, lol. Trust me, I’m still learning. And I’m ready to go another 6 months and so on! Talk to any married couple. They’ll say its hard work, but rewarding. Our favorite married couples happens to be my Bishop Barry Mitchell and his wife First Lady Janice, my uncle Bill and aunt Joan, our friends Pastor Theo and First Lady Patrice, my sister-in-law Kaycie and my big brother Jonathan and a plethora of other couples. We love taking advice from couples who give sound wisdom who doesn’t take sides. With that being said, there are sacrifices that we make for each other, a whole set of other feelings to consider, and someone who we can take on the world with, with God by our side. Yes, we’re a couple who believes and loves on JESUS and He is REQUIRED not only in our marriage but in our daily lives.

IMG_04591

You know, I left home at 18, became completely domesticated and independent that I spend the next few years with this attitude that I didn’t need anyone, not even God. That’s how arrogant I was. I went though life and it completely changed me. I had to take care of myself, fend for myself because no one else would. I became tough and I looked at people like, “get over your feelings and keep moving.” I had no sympathy or empathy. Throughout that I learned quite a bit about finances, how to survive, how to live on my own, pay bills, etc. I was the epitome of self-sufficient. Sometimes, that can be a flaw too. If you’re like me, and you meet your future husband, its not his job to break that wall you build up. Its God’s job. And yours. “Well, that’s how I am and whoever marry me will have to put up with me.” LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING! If you think like that, you will NEVER be married. Throw that arrogance away. Throw that mentality that you don’t need anyone. Get rid of the anti-sympathy. When you’re married, you’re no longer alone. I’m learning that.

Snapchat-1717853336

I would not let Benjamin do anything. Take out the trash? I was doing that way before I met him. Putting the groceries in the house? I use to carry 20 bags of groceries up 6 flight of stairs. Pump gas? Move boxes? ANYTHING! I can do and therefore I didn’t need him. That puts a dent in your man’s confidence. To feel like you’re not needed? Then why get married? I had to learn to step back and let Benjamin take the lead. I didn’t have to do these things by myself! But as an independent woman, yes it can be difficult to relinquish control a little bit and give it to your husband. But the amount of weight that is lifted is like no other.

What about this whole wives submit to your husband?

Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it. Ephesians 5:25 (KJV)

Guys, read that scripture. Our husbands should love US like Christ loved the church so much that he died for the church. Which means, Benjamin has to be good and ready to take a bullet for me. That’s a lot of love first of all. Submission, if you don’t understand, is yielding your will to your husband’s will. For example,  I may want seafood for dinner but hubby wants steak, so we’re gonna go to Longhorn. But because my husband LOVES me so much, he’s gonna say, “babe, let’s get seafood!”

Benjamin is the head of the household. He is the leader and provider and I am his helpmate. For me, this is very challenging for someone who is use to complete control and makes the decisions. But I will tell you, it is refreshing for someone who you trust to make decisions that’s best for the both of you. Now that’s not to say that Benjamin doesn’t ask me my opinion because he does but I enjoy letting him take over.

IMG_04741

Control your tongue

“Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof.” Proverbs 18:21 (KJV)

We women, especially us black women , we are very sharp-tongue, vocal women. We say what we mean and mean what we say and sometimes the tone can go left-field. Our tone can be callous and harsh if we’re not careful. When we get upset, we say any and everything to our man, no matter hurtful it is. We may bring up the past, or break his confidence or just make him feel the lowest of the low. Men are very sensitive creatures. They may not act like it, but they are and we know how to hurt them. Therefore, we must be careful to their feelings. So when I’m angry, I stay quiet to refrain from saying something I may regret. I learn to speak life into my husband, speak positivity into our marriage.

The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.” Proverbs 31: 11-12 (KJV)

I’m just gonna leave that right there guys. I learned to be a peacemaker in our home and marriage. I bring out his strengths, I pray to God to learn how I can help Benjamin where he’s weak, I don’t bring up his insecurities in his face and if I see a need, I fill it. After all, Benjamin is my #1 after my relationship with God. God is my super #1 because without him, I can’t be the wife I’m supposed to be.

I may have mentioned this in my wedding day post, but when I met Benjamin, I knew he was younger than me. We’re six years apart. There are some areas when I’m more experienced than he is and vice verse but one thing about my husband, is he’s willing to learn. Everything. And sometimes that can be challenging because the things he is trying to learn, I already know and sometimes in my mind I’m like…..”why can’t you get it.” But patience goes a long way and being with my husband has taught me to be more patient, kind and graceful. I learned to give him the benefit of the doubt and I make sure to acknowledge him for his great work.

We tend to judge ourselves by our intentions and others by their actions.

You ever got in an argument and someone did something to you and the first thing they say is “I didn’t mean it?” And then you say, “but you did it!” Yeah, that. “Honey, I was trying to get to the laundry but I couldn’t get to it.” For me, I had to take a step back and not judge Benjamin one-sided because if I intended to do something and I didn’t, would it be fair for him to be angry at me? Satan is always looking for ways to convince you that your spouse is terrible. But guess what? There’s this thing called grace that you have to give and to learn to let it go. After all, God gives us grace everyday, even when we don’t deserve it. Who am I that I don’t extend the same to my husband?

So…are they any cons?

Nope! There are no cons…just changes and challenges. Marriage is what you make it. If you want a peaceful and happy marriage, then you work towards it. Marriage is 100/100. You put your all into it. We stood before God, family, friends and a couple of people we don’t like and made promises to each other. Know that your spouse isn’t perfect, neither are you. And that’s okay! Some days they will disappoint you, upset you, do something you don’t like, but you make sure you know that communication is key. Talk about everything in a respectful manner. Have you seen the Red Table Talk with Will Smith? He and Jada mentions how important it is to be respectful and loving with your spouse and if you can’t at that moment, take a minute alone to get your act together. Your spouse doesn’t deserve your “wrath”.

IMG_04681.jpg
I look like a creeper, lol

Please understand that marriage is not perfect. Don’t marry a person thinking it’s going to be lollipops and candy canes and that it’s going to be sunny everyday. You’re going to struggle. Life will throw some stinking curve balls at you. You may be broke, your lights might cut off, your car may break down, you may have to live off ramen noodles for a couple of weeks. Guys, I knew Benjamin was really the one for me when we spent one evening on our honeymoon eating ramen noodles and hot dogs at the dinner table and we just talked nonstop. 😅😅

A wise human being told us, and I think it was our bishop, that it’s us versus the problem. You guys versus the devil. You and him versus them. Your spouse is above all, EXCEPT your relationship with God, okay? Know that your spouse comes before your mommy, ya daddy, ya siblings, ya friends, etc. If you have kids, even your kids. We learned that in counseling from a couple who has kids. Think of marriage as one of those big promises that you made to God that you can’t take back, until you die. Keep your marriage tight-knit, seek WISE counsel, and never invite strangers into your marriage, and that includes family. Never display your issues for the world and keep God smack dab in the middle!

After all, what do I know? I’m just a newlywed.🤭

IMG_04671

 

 

 

 

We is Married!

Its been a long time coming, but I am officially married! I have yet to change my name on ALL of my documents, but I signed that paper! And you know, I feel amazing. I have this amazing life partner that I can continue to grow and build with, act silly with, pray with, and enjoy life. Ask me if I would ever get to this point 7 years ago, and I’d laugh in your face. Look how amazing God is. Not too long after that, we were able to witness my best friend marry the love of his life too! God is in the marriage business! Let him work on you! Only if you want.

Now that the festivities are over and I can finally relax, I can tell you all about my experience on the planning and some sound advice I can relay to those who are getting married soon. Getting married can be one of the happiest times of your life and you probably won’t think straight at least for the next few months. You’re thinking about the dress, the flowers, the venue, and how you want everything to look. That was me. I figured, I’m only doing this once in my life, so what if I go overboard on things I won’t even pay attention to on my big day? Pay attention. Pay very much attention.

0245852C-5741-46A6-9761-069B27EC8F5F

Choose quality over quantity EVERYTIME. From your bridal party to your guests, choose the best. When Benjamin and I did our guest list, we had close to 200 people. We don’t even like 200 people! When we initially got a quote from our caterer and our designer, those numbers will give you a heart attack. You mean to tell me, we gotta pay thousands of dollars to treat these people that we probably don’t even like or haven’t talked to in years to witness our day? No. CUT! (movie director’s voice). If we didn’t talk to them in the last 30-60 days, its a wrap. If we know that you’re only coming just to be nosey, and you don’t have out best interest, you were taken off.

We stood before God in front of friends, family, and a couple of people we didn’t like to say “I do.”

And I really wanted this extravagant wedding. I really did. But God was like, “Y’all don’t need all of that.” We were already going through so much in the year of 2017. We were getting knocked down left and right. Which brings me to my next piece of sound advice, keep your planning circle small and block out the unwanted negativity. Those people you haven’t seen in 500 years messaging you for an invitation, or that person who has everything to say about your planning, but are making no contributions, boy bye.

F233CFBB-EB3D-459B-98D9-A3D55DFF7CDB
My best friend/maid of honor

When Benjamin and I finally realized that we were solely responsible for all of the expenses our “extravagant wedding” had to offer, we cut everything out! We realized we were killing ourselves trying to pay for this extravagant wedding and God said, “NO!” We kept our cake, had pretty much no decorations and our day was so intimate and special. We were able to interact with the few that attended and it was more meaningful that way. Don’t get me wrong, we were so broken up about it, but we looked at each other and said, “Babe, we don’t have any wedding debt.”

9967ED67-C8FF-49D7-8A74-30C9403A40EA

Our colors were Navy, Blush, and Gold. Because my girls were paying for their own dress, I wanted them to pick their own style and design as long as they kept the same color and fabric. My sister in law found these gorgeous scarves on Amazon to bring in that blush . The guys wore these gorgeous navy suits, and although the dresses for my flower girls were too bright, my husband wanted to keep them. And it worked out.

My Dress and Hair

Fun fact: I never picked this dress during my hunting days (Check out this blog post). I didn’t look at it and I didn’t asked for it. I tried on all the styles that I wanted and I hated them. I wasn’t a fan of the form fitting, the sparkle, the see-through or the revealing of the skin. I asked my stylist to pick a few of her favorite gowns and she brought this dress to me. We all fell in love with this dress. The princess ball-gown silhouette, the lace sleeves, the flirtatious neckline and the beautiful back of the dress was amazing. Of course, the brand is Morilee by Madeline Gardner. Would you believe that my hair is just a plain ol’ rod set? And I did my own makeup! Winning!

7BADF747-A374-4EB2-B9C4-5056EE27C1BF

Shoes

4B6DBAF1-212A-4E54-B2A1-B6FE34188B09

After spending countless months of shoe shopping for the perfect wedding shoe and giving up on the idea of wearing designer (my pockets was trying to tell me), I went on ASOS one day and happened to browse their wedding section and saw these beautiful weird shoes. They’re a block heel, had a pretty iridescent color and a flower embellishment! That is me on a shoe! I was more excited about these shoes than those $1000 Christian Louboutin heels. It complimented my gown and I can wear this shoe again and again. You can find them here.

0E7CC0D2-B090-47E6-ADCE-5C7EE7BE1ED2
Before the ceremony started 😍

Reception, you may ask? Nope. We were going to plan one for next year for our one year, but now that my mind is SUPER CLEAR and level-headed, there’s no need for a big party. We had all the people we needed to witness our day and we’re gonna spend that money on a two-week honeymoon (one week here, and one week there). Guys, I know I’ve been married for just a few weeks, but I am so excited. God is good. He has great things planned for the both of us. We are a force to be reckoned with.

DD598EAE-A5A8-478C-A874-82547F3B6C74

Thank you to our beloved friend Marcus Kennedy from MXk Photography for capturing our special day.

Crazy edits by yours truly 🧐

Check out his Facebook page here.