Forgiveness is Not For Them…it’s For You.

“I never knew how strong I was until I had to forgive someone who wasn’t sorry, and accept an apology I never received.”

Or may possibly never get.

I saw this quote on social media after giving birth and it hit me like a ton of bricks.

In the last two years, I’ve seen the true colors of so many people and the lengths they would go to provoke negative reactions and in turn play victim. I’ve seen what a slight disagreement would do to people who you thought were your friends. I’ve seen people hate on you, so green with envy, you would think they were the real Bruce Banner. People would go above and beyond to paint a picture of you, that’s not you at all, and in turn, pit people against you. This is what hate will do. One person’s hatred towards you can cause others to hate you as well, or at least make up in their mind that they won’t even give you a chance.

I never understood why people never wanted to hear all sides to a story, rather than just the one; especially when the one was flawed. I never understood how, a person who knew the entire story, would still act like they didn’t, and in turn never stand up for you. Imagine this happening to you for years. After awhile, you start to think, maybe it is you. You’re the problem. But that’s what the enemy would do. The enemy would make you feel like that to isolate you and make you feel alone. I constantly had to talk to my husband, my best friend, my brother, my sister-in-law, and cousin to make sure I wasn’t crazy. They would tell me the truth because that’s what I expected. Tell me if it’s me and I can improve. I became paranoid because I thought I was the problem, but it turned out that people hate when you stand up for yourself. When you won’t take toxic behavior no matter who the person is.

I struggled with forgiveness, especially when my daughter was born. I never understood why God wanted me to forgive when I was the one who was wronged. When I felt like I was being made a fool. Why do you want me to forgive when the people who hurt me, never said they were sorry or even acknowledged that my feelings were hurt? I’m human too. I have feelings. And if I forgive them, wouldn’t that make me look stupid? Like, they one up me? Lord, I know if I hurt someone’s feelings and I knew I did, I would apologize and make it right. So why can’t people do that for me?

But then I learned, that, forgiveness is not for those who hurt you. Forgiveness is for yourself. Why, do you ask? Because the one who is wronged, is always holding grudges. They are bitter, and upset. This was me. When you can’t forgive those who wronged you, how can you expect God to forgive you? How can you expect to reap the blessings that God has? So here I was, holding my beautiful daughter listening to God tell me that the forgiveness he wanted me to do, was for me. It was so I can move on. It was so I can experience the blessings that God was ready to give me. It was to show that the God that people talk about and claim that they know, lives in me.

“You might be the only Jesus that some people see.” Jesus is all about love, forgiveness, and grace and because we are all striving to be Christ-like, it is important to start practicing what we preach or go to church every Sunday for.

“So, honey, if I forgive them…do I have to say it to their face? This is the question I asked my husband. He then reminded me that forgiveness is not for them. So I didn’t have to. It was for me and between me and God. When I forgive, I must show in my actions. So I pondered a few more weeks because, I’m a Capricorn and I’m stubborn.

But then I did it. I let it all go. I gave it to God. And it felt great. I want my blessings. I want to move on. I have a whole daughter now. My job is to teach her about giving grace, compassion and forgiveness. I will also teach her that is is also okay to guard your heart and never put yourself in a position to be treated a certain way again.

So if you’re struggling with forgiving, remember, it is not for them. The Bible says “Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord (Romans 12:19, KJV), so it’s not our job to get back at those who wrong us and believe me, I wanted to. Our job is to let go and give it to God. Let him handle our heavy load because he can do it better than we can. And when you do, life will get better. Trust.

Outfit details: Sweater Dress: Eloquii, Belt: Lane Bryant, Boots: Torrid

My Labor and Delivery Experience

My husband and I walked into the hospital at 7pm on October 6 with the expectation of a successful induction, and a quick and easy delivery.

Little did we know, God had other plans. My labor/delivery experience was not pretty. There was no makeup, no cameras, no beautiful glow that you normally see on these social media posts. It was stressful and scary and one of the hardest things I’ve done so far in my young life.

Being diagnosed with gestational diabetes, my doctors wanted to induce me around 39 weeks and they gave me different options; with me deciding to go with Pitocin and then a foley catheter being inserted in my cervix. This process started close to 10pm sunday night. The Pitocin kickstarted my contractions and that balloon thingy slowly started to help with dilation. To past the time, my husband and I binge watched Marvel movies all night while playing on our iPads, when I wasn’t distracted by the pain. Listening to baby’s strong heartbeat also gave us relief as well. As we moved on into the late nights, the contractions became more intense, and around 2am, my doctor woke up me to break my water because I was already at 3cm. They were hoping by breaking my water, it would speed up the dilation and that I would be ready to have a baby around 6am!

Sounds great right? Just a few more hours.


It was until around 4am that I could not deal with the pain any longer. It was a different kind of pain. Worse than the cramps you would get on your period. My husband and nurse had to talk me into getting the epidural and also tell me that I am not wrong for getting it. I had this image in my head that I wanted to do this process as naturally and quickly as possible and that I would be stronger for it and no one can tell me anything. So, here I am around 4am, with my husband sitting in front of me, while I sat on the edge of my bed while the anesthesiologist preps me for the heavy meds. I felt him create a maze on my back, taping everything in to place. Then I saw my husband’s eyes get bigger. I remember there is a huge needle involved in this process; and then I felt a sharp pain in my spine, which definitely hurt folks. But it wasn’t the big one. My nurse told me I wouldn’t feel that one and I should relax. Then I felt cool liquid flowing through the maze he created on my back. Few minutes later, I went numb and got some shut eye.

Close to 7am, I was still at 3cm dilated and now we’re all having a different conversation: We may have to prepare for a C-section. Excuse me? Come again? I don’t want that. Jesus please help. We can still come out of this. “We still have some time to see how things turn out by noon,” doctors say. Great, because I wasn’t prepared to accept this. We didn’t plan on this alternative. After hours of being probed, stabbed and the nurses having to rotate me every hour, I developed an infection, a fever, and preeclampsia. It didn’t register that on Monday afternoon, I was freezing, shivering, with a headache out of this world. They had to take me off the Pitocin because it was harming the baby. Every time I had a contraction, her heartbeat would spike high to a number we knew wasn’t healthy and when the contraction subsided, her heartbeat dropped even worse. Around 5pm, my doctor informed me with what was going on with the baby but I was so out of it, I had them talk to my husband and my parents but all I heard was, “we’re going to prep you for surgery because your health and baby’s health is first priority.” I had about an hour to get my head in the game because this was going to happen.

Not 10 minutes later, about 5 nurses barged in, along with a few doctors saying, “we’re doing this now.” Of course, I silently sobbed to myself because this is not what I had in mind. But maybe this is what God wants. While they prep me, my husband was asked to “scrub up.” My dad had to give me a few words of encouragement and of course everyone prayed for a successful procedure…Tv shows and movies lie people. I mean we all know that, but let me emphasize how they lie. The procedure room was bright and cold and there wasn’t a spectator’s view either. The operating table was small and I was wondering how my body was going to fit. There was about 15 people in there (ALL WOMEN!!) plus my anesthesiologist from the night before. The big blue sheet is real though, only allowing me to see as far as my chest goes. I felt so exposed. I was strapped down, taped up, with these little compression leg thingy’s on. I felt like Jesus on the cross about to be crucified.

I cried the entire time.

After I was prepped, my husband came and sat on a stool on my left, and a different anesthesiologist on my right. Everyone got quiet and my doctor started talking and before you know it, it was time. Now I was told before that I may feel pinching and pressure throughout the entire procedure, so don’t forget. Boy. Pinching and Pressure? Is that what you call it? I cried the entire time. I was so scared. I felt the pinch of her cutting me open and I felt the pressure of her moving my organs around trying to get to my baby. It hurt. So. Bad. I was so hysterical that my anesthesiologist increased my epidural while rubbing my forehead, and my husband holding my hand. When the extra epidural wasn’t enough, she added morphine and increased that. After the baby came out, I was nowhere near calm and my morphine drip was increased again. When I thought the worse was over, my doctor started putting everything back, my organs, my uterus, and that pressure may have been worse than everything else. Here my husband was beside me, with baby in tow and I couldn’t look at her. I didn’t want to. I was in to much pain. And then…I passed out. 

I am here to tell those that a cesarean is not an alternative to avoid delivery pain. There’s this idea floating on the internet that a c-section is the easy way out. It is major surgery. Doctors do not recommend this unless they absolutely have to. You are literally being cut open, organs are being shifted, baby is being moved and tugged to safety. The aftermath is just as intense. The “belly massages” they give you to massage the uterus is the absolute worse. The first one they did, I yelled and gave my newborn baby a bear hug ( I was holding her). You can’t lift anything or do much of anything for the first 6 weeks at least. Laughing and coughing was so painful, I never realized how many muscles you use to laugh or cough. 

Here I am over a month later, still trying to grasp and understand the experience. People expect you to just be happy and accept that “but they’re so worth it,” that you forget to think about you. Would I do this again? Are babies really worth the pain and worry? More of this will be discussed in my postpartum post that will be coming soon, but I can tell you that my husband and I are truly excited to introduce and welcome baby Harper Celeste to the world!

Before you ask, nope, no heartburn.





Embracing the physical changes during pregnancy

One of the few things I thought about when I learned I was pregnant was the physical changes I would endure on this journey and I must say, I was looking forward to it! I was ready for whatever God was going to send my way. I still am even though I’m 23 weeks in. You’re probably wondering, “she’s crazy. Why would anyone look forward to that?”

My sister and I had a really interesting conversation about having children later on in life as opposed to be in our early 20’s. This isn’t something that she and I knew we couldn’t do. I wouldn’t have been able to appreciate every step if I were to have a child around that time. I also learned the older I am when I experience new things, I have a newfound appreciation for it, something I didn’t have when I was younger.

Here I am, in my early 30’s in a much more appreciative mindset. I cherish each growing day, including the body pains I endure. I tell my husband all the time, that going through different phases and experiencing new things allows me to reflect on how real God really is. To be able to create life (even though I’m a baby incubator lol) and watch that life grow is such a blessing. It pains me to see women who want to experience this, can’t.

So far in my experience levels, I noticed my nose getting wider and my lips getting more plump! As if it needs to get any plumper. My breasts has grown, and again, like it needs to get bigger, all pointed out by my sweet husband. My skin in certain areas are dryer than normal, but I have that “glow” that all mothers get. I always tell my husband to be honest about my appearance and let me know if he sees anything different. I’ve been blessed to still be able to wear my dresses. Of course all of my jeans and pants are folded away.

Comparison pic: 2018 vs. June 2019

I experience a lot “growing pains” which is basically my body adjusting and expanding for little one. I will say, sometimes the pain is very intense to where I am laying flat on my butt because the more I move, my body will lock up and cramp. This can annoy me because I love to move around and walk. I try to get some exercise in as much as I can. So far I haven’t gained any weight, seems like baby girl is eating everything I put in, but I definitely understand that I may gain all my weight closer to giving birth which I’m okay with.

Testing out new lip products that day, but no makeup. I don’t think I’ve ever looked this great without makeup.

It baffles me when people send me private messages telling me things are going to get worse as if its something to loathe. “yeah your feet will get swollen and you won’t be able to wear any of your shoes.” then there are comments such as, “just because you don’t have morning sickness now, you will get it later. You won’t look this put together in the next few weeks.”

“Get ready for a rude awakening.”

It was as if, pregnancy was something to hate. Don’t get me wrong, every journey is different and my journey can get very intense as the weeks pass by, but my goal is to embrace the journey and appreciate every step. I’ve read stories and talked to some moms about their journey and how difficult everything was but one thing I noticed about all of them, was the joy and appreciation they had and how they would do it all over if they can see the beautiful blessing at the end. So, if you’re a new mother to be like me, embrace the journey, the swollen lips, feet, body pain, etc. God chose us to be mothers for a reason. If you’ve yet to experience it, don’t worry, when its your time, God will look out.

My baby’s movements are everything. My husband and I love it.

Current Cravings During My Pregnancy

We’re 19 weeks into this pregnancy and I can honestly say that I haven’t had any weird pregnancy cravings! You know, like the peanut butter and sardine combination or anything weird, I would say. Things you don’t normally eat if you’re not pregnant.

Spaghetti pasta salad

I tend to crave things I haven’t eaten in a long time or I need an excess of one particular thing. One thing I can say, is I’ve been really good at balancing healthy things with some “not so healthy things” which my doctor noticed because the baby is doing very healthy!

Seafood platter from The Midnight Diner

Healthy Cravings

Watermelon! I have to have it. I remember when it wasn’t quite watermelon season and I would go to every store to see if they had any decent looking watermelon slices or the ones that came in a cup. Sometimes, it was a success. Now we’re in season and my brother bought me those giant ones and I finished it in two days. Here are a few more of some healthy cravings.

Salads//Green Olives//fresh cucumbers//Superfruit Smoothie from Panera//Bahama Mama Smoothie from Tropical Smoothie Cafe//Dill Pickles//

Not so Healthy Cravings

Infamous Shrimp & Grits from The Midnight Diner in Charlotte, NC

Those Filet-O-Fish from McDonald’s with extra Tarter is the key to my soul! LOL! I remember I wanted some at midnight one night and I rode with my husband to get it! You have to get extra tarter though! I will say, my not so healthy cravings might outweigh the healthy ones but I can eat salad and watermelon all day. Check out these out.

Beef Flavor Ramen Noodles w/Hotdogs//Chips//Butterfinger Sonic Blast from Sonic’s//Original Chicken Sandwich w/cheese from Burgr King//Sonic Burger from Sonic//McDonald’s Fries

I’ve talked to so many mothers since I was pregnant and I realized I’ve been blessed in my pregnancy. Although we’re still early, I’m sure there will be more changes coming and I’m going to embrace them. Pregnancy is a journey that unfortunately not all can go through, especially the ones who want it. So the only thing I can do is be thankful for each chapter and each craving!

Did you have any crazy cravings?

Surviving The First Trimester

“Make sure you take care of yourself!”

I talk to my auntie pretty much every week and she’s always making sure that I am taking care of my self. No stress. Don’t get upset. Don’t watch scary movies. Talk to the baby. Play classical music. Get some exercise in. Like a drill mom.

I didn’t have much questions. Actually, I didn’t have any questions. My doctors looked at me like I was the “perfect patient.” No crazy questions. Only the basics. What can’t I eat anymore? What medicines should I leave alone for the next 8 or 9 months? Can I travel? Get on a plane? They would stare at me for minutes on end because I was a “good patient.” Whatever that malarky was.

Any symptoms?

Thank God, I did not experience morning sickness. No vomiting. However, I was extremely tired. No energy. Slept a lot. Missed work a lot because the idea of sitting at a desk for 8 hours getting yelled out was very tiring. It got to a point where I did not feel like me because I am always on the go. On my off days, I’m running errands, cooking, doing my hair, working on my blog. But I really had to take a step back and sit down. My husband likes to tell me, “hunbun you’re growing a human. Relax.” I felt weird knowing I can’t move like i normally can. For a couple weeks, I lost my appetite and it showed in my next appointment because I lost weight. And dehydrated.

In the last few weeks, body pain was inevitable. Things like doing basic chores or walking around the mall was too strenuous. I remember I was taking a few days off work and I wanted to do some extra cleaning and make dinner for hunbun. After I was done, my body felt like someone hit me with a ton of bricks! I was in so much pain! And I can hear my aunt tell me to sit down!

Scary Movies

I think giving up horror movies was depressing for me. Hear me out! I’ve been watching scary movies since I was a little girl and I watch them like regular shows. They don’t bother me. However, my sister and aunt explained to me that the baby feels everything that I feel, knows what I’m watching and the last thing I want my unborn baby to know about is evil spirits, and devil worshippers, serial kills, slasher movies, etc. She said, “you don’t want to pass this on to the baby.” After I have the baby then I can continue. So its really funny for me to try to watch stuff. Many of you may not agree, but they haven’t failed me yet in the wisdom catergory. So all the good horror movies coming out this summer will be on hold until this winter. Anyone ever told y’all this?

Mental Health

It took a while to grasp the fact that I am adding a new role to….me. Mommy. I felt depressed and paranoid. I set some really high expectations for myself if I ever decided to be a mom. The ultimate perfect mom. Never let your kid see you sweat. Have ambition. Be super educated. Have lots of money. Discernment need to be on point. Make sure baby has all that you didn’t get. Lots of wisdom, knowledge, summer camp, learn how to swim. Guys I made a mental checklist of things I wanted for the baby. Thinking of all this made me depressed! There isn’t a manual for being the child I am getting. I can try to be prepared all I want, but life never goes as planned. I would stress myself out about the amount of money I need to save, the debt I need to kill, go back to school, start this business that I was working on, just prepare to be the perfect mom. Sometimes, I still feel that way, but the only thing I can do is prepare for what I can and allow God and Hubby to help with the rest.


Before I found out I was pregnant, I increased my water intake to a half gallon a day. The more I drank, the thirstier I became. My silly self thought that was a side effect of drinking more water! Key lime pie for dessert at all times, okay!? I had to have it. Now, in my defense, I like the pie anyway, but every night? But then I started to think I was crazy because I wanted buffalo chicken tenders, fries with seasoned salt ( I DON’T LIKE SEASON SALT ON MY FRIES) and a wedge salad with all the fixings from Red Robin. I remember eating that for almost two weeks straight. But again, in my defense, if I like something, I will run it out until I’m sick of it. Sour candy was a must have and I would snack on those in church along with a big bottle of water. Mommy’s cooking was at the top of the list and salads were REQUIRED! As the weeks progressed, I find myself not having an appetite at all. I would barely eat. I hated blueberry muffins and those sausage biscuits w/cheese from McDonald’s. These were things I loved at one point. Things became too sweet or too salty and I would barely eat. Sometimes, an apple was all I wanted.

Hubby + Mood Swings?

My husband is a trooper. He’s very supportive and he’s really on this journey with me. He downloaded this app that keeps track of baby growth, things to expect in pregnancy, and he’s looking forward to first time daddy classes. I don’t have mood swings, thank the Lord, but it all goes back to my mental state. I spent most of the first trimester sad and depressed and I kept to myself, so fussing was too much for me. I do remember crying! Before I stopped watching scary movies, I was watching the new Halloween movie on a “day off” and I remember crying because the people were getting killed! It was so funny to me because I was real invested in those people! I thought it was really funny. But all in all, and my husband can attest to it, but mood swings didn’t exist and even though I’m currently in my second trimester writing this, mood swings are not here and not welcomed.


It was still chilly in my first trimester, so leggings and over-sized sweaters was my wardrobe. And jeans until I can no longer button them. Now I understand why pregnant people don’t want to dress like much because, comfort is key. And that was me. Now that we’re entering warmer months, my wardrobe will definitely changing and I can bring out some maternity fashion. After all, this blog is part fashion.

Overall, the first trimester was very challenging for me. My body taught me to relax both mentally and physically. It also gave me time to really think about what I want for my little one and get in the mood of excitement. I’m getting the hang of it!