“Shit.”

I’m going to be honest, I was bombarded with several feelings when that pregnancy test came back positive. Like, who gave the authority for “me” to be a mother? Does it look like I have the “mother gene?” How I look with a little mini human running after me, calling me “mommy?” In 10 years, I’ll be that 43 year old with a 10 year old! And then…

I told my husband. His response was better than mine, I’ll tell you. We suspected it a week early because my cycle is never late. He was too giddy and excited. He thought I was lying at first, calling the test a prank test. Like, who has the time and energy to prank that? He was so happy and at that moment I think he wanted to tell the whole world, but I said…no. I didn’t know how to feel just yet. So we video chat my best friend and her reaction, too, was better than mine! She cried! See? Where’s that mother gene, Marisa? My sister was super excited which was extra special because I’ve kept her in the loop from the time my cycle didn’t show up, to weird symptoms, and the test. She is forever my best friend and I love her.

When we told our parents, not only were they excited, but they wanted to tell all their friends and the rest of the family. Of course, I said no and I’ll come after you if you do. We were very strategic in who we told, we decided to keep it close quarters. Well, mostly me because I still could not wrap my head around this whole, “you’re gonna be a mommy!” I wasn’t ready for the whole world to know like everyone else was.

However, I’m excited that my brother’s daughter will have a cousin to play with and my mother-in-law gets to experience being a first time grandmommy, and my husband being a big kid…with our kid.

So why am I not on board like everyone else? Well, for one, I am responsible for another person’s life, at least for the next…ever. What they take with them in this cold world is determined by what I teach them. And husband of course. I won’t lie, my confidence went out the window when that test came back positive. I’m literally going to have to walk by faith and not by sight on this one, which of course is going to be exciting for God because he knows this is something I cannot control. I can plan til the crows sing and I still won’t be prepared for motherhood. I’ve been told its a “learn as you go” process and many mistakes will be made. Motherhood scares me.

As the weeks go by and the baby grows, God assures me that He will continue to walk with us through this thing called Parenthood and to get ready for a beautiful, happy and healthy baby. I just need to believe it.

But in all honesty…I’m super excited for the mere reason that there is someone that I will have to guide in their life, provide them tools to be an exceptional human being and I get to do it with my amazing husband!